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I’m driving on my way home from a work meeting listening to my favorite music, and I’m singing along.
My vision gets blurred as my eyes swell with tears, and I stop singing…hello, grief. I want to try and move forward in my process of living a productive, joyful life in peace and mindfulness. My thoughts have been directed to contemplating whether I am ready to seek out a relationship.Strange how coming out of the darkness of grief works.One fellow griever refers to it as “coming alive again.” How accurate a description! Thinking about relationships and love is a step in the right direction for me in reclaiming my life that has been long affected by grief and sadness. There is something unique about allowing your heart to be vulnerable to another human being. As you explore the experience of “doing life” alongside someone, you recognize that your life is strongly influenced and highly impacted by that person.I realize my life has changed dramatically since my grandson Konnor died. Funny how in that sentence I fight to leave it at just that. I am not sure if these episodes of spontaneous grief are showing me I am ready to move forward just yet. I have been single for many years, and I want to believe I am ready.
I hate using the word “died” but what else is there to say? I want a hand to hold, a warm body to hug, yet I have moments like those I just described that push me to believe now is not the perfect time. I’m on a first date and I am smiling nervously at him while we are getting to know each other, and he is desperately trying to get to know me. I’m sure there is understanding, but not everyone wants to deal with what some may determine as “emotional baggage.” Perhaps unless I happen to date a widower.
Horrible thoughts can race through our minds, both real and imagined. Not much on those of us grieving the loss of a grandchild or child, but in relation to myself I did find something interesting. In that single instant he left this earth, something within me snapped and changed my entire being.
A post called “New Relationships and Dating After Loss” by Amanda Mc Pherson. Once those molecules drifted back inside my body, they were damaged, misshapen; my sense of self was changed. Lastly she asks if you are reclaiming your sense of hope.
Grief had so severely damaged my core that it had buried not only my joy and my faith but most of all my hope.
I had not realized I had lost it until I had I felt myself reclaiming it.
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